Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
