The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
