The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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