I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
