You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
