the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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