I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
