Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't deserve a penis
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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