my vag is so smooth its legendary
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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