i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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