ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
