the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize