You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Im part way to drunk.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
