took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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