I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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