I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
