im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
