you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My vagina just recognized that song.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
