I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
