ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need water and some morals
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
