So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
