there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
