Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
