Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize