If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
