Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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