my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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