Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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