When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
