If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
