I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
