The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm at about main and main street
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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