i love accidental penises.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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