I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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