I'm sorry my penis didn't work
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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