I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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