And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
this is an emotional support booty call
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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