You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
