i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
