Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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