Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize