I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
