We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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