I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
