I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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