i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
