He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
