Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
