I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Randomize
