omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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