Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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