I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
