I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
