so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Actions speak louder than pants.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Found your dick twin last night
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
