I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
