your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
