Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
