you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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