Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
