Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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