I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
