Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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