Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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