he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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